Giorgio Tuma

The Italian pop artist Giorgio Tuma's new album "This Life Denied Me Your Love" should not be denied your love. Make love to it. Get stoned and put it on while you sink into a cloud of pillows. It's beautiful.

Lips

The new Flaming Lips album is an excellent piece of work, despite the lukewarm reviews. The Lips are not to be questioned until further notice.

Lycra

Recently, or maybe ten years ago, I discovered lycra. After I discovered it, I only wanted to be wearing one thing: lycra. It's form fitting, and I don't spend all that time at the gym for nothing. After all, what's the point of working out if people can't bear witness to my oversized muscles? It would be a complete waste of time! My life would be pretty meaningless I'd say.

I love talking to all the guys at the gym while I'm wearing my lycra. We talk about interesting things: football, reps, how many chicken wings I ate last night. Because my lycra is so revealing, the ladies at the gym can see my rippling muscles while I ride the exercise bike. Then when I'm done, I'm all sweaty and I get off the bike. Everyone can admire the rough outline of my cock and balls. I'm looking pretty good, feeling good; not bad for a 49 year old guy!

I go around and bump some more fists, talk to the guys doing reps about guy things, like protein shakes, and racism. I can tell everyone is thinking "Glen is in good shape. He certainly doesn't look ridiculous!"

My favorite thing to do in my lycra is ride around Prospect Park on my $4000 racing bike. Spending that much money on a bike certainly was not a product of a mid-life crisis, why would you be thinking that? Sometimes I join a group of like ten other guys, and we ride around together, pretending we're in the Tour De France. We love to buzz by other cyclists who aren't taking things seriously enough. They yell "why do you have to come that close to me?" but I don't see why it isn't a totally acceptable activity for someone nearing 50. I love to angrily tell all the people going the wrong way on the bike path that they're breaking the rules. Then I give them one of my famous glares of disapproval. Satisfaction guaranteed. Sometimes I ask people on the side of the bike path that might have some problem with their bike if they're OK. I yell "you good? you good?" as I speed by them. They're always good, they always wave me on.

Off I go, always ready for what's next.

Cats in Sunglasses

If there's anything funnier than a cat wearing sunglasses, I don't know what it is. It certainly isn't Jeff Foxworthy.

Mark Hamill's eMail to J.J. Abrams and Lawrence Kasdan After Reading the Original Star Wars: The Force Awakens Script


Here's a recently unearthed email from a few years ago from Mark Hamill to JJ Abrams and Lawrence Kasdan (and George Lucas et al), the writers of the "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" script, regarding a difference of opinion about the direction of the storyline. If you haven't seen "The Force Awakens", be warned, there are **SPOILERS**. Here's the email:

Guys, 

Just received the new script. Pretty cool! I think there's a lot of "interesting" stuff going on. Seems like there's something missing though, and I think that's a little unfortunate, ha ha ha! ;) But I DO think there's some ANOTHER direction we could go with this, just hear me out!

First of all I appreciate that you guys mention my character Luke's name so often throughout the film, but it does seem a little disappointing that we only actually see Luke for the last 27 seconds of the film. (And I'm sure I'm not the only one who'd be disappointed ha ha ha!! What about all those millions of Luke fans out there? ;) ).

After reading the script I spent some time being disappointed and a little sad with this direction, and I thought "*sigh* another year before it's Hamill-time again" and I sat around eating cheetos and looking at production stills of me and Carrie during Empire like I always do on Sundays, and then I had a thought...

WHAT IF instead of only showing Luke for the last 27 seconds of the film (I know I said that already but I'm really trying to just let it hit home with you guys, ergot the bold) it goes a little more like this:

(note: I'm not good at writing scripts so bare with me)

WE OPEN with me on the cliff, like you have it at the end. then we close up on my face, and then there's a weird kind of reverse sound and we FLASH BACK to a different close up of my face, this time with me just awaking. (The Force Awakens!). (J.J., you should be familiar with that sort of transition from Lost.) Now we go through my back story, what I've been up to since the end of Jedi. You show me doing a bunch of awesome stuff with my lightsaber and maybe I got married or I'm hooking up with a few chicks (to play up my sex symbol side).

Then we show me getting more Jedi training from ghost Yoda (who is still a complete pain in the ass ha ha!) but I'm able to do even more cool stuff than I even could do in Jedi. I can maybe take like two lightsabers and twirl them around above my head and take off like a helicopter (that's just an idea). 

Maybe we can also have me have some kind of drinking/drug problem that I have to overcome in order to become a great Jedi again. I had a difficult relationship with my father, that could be the root of it. There might even be some Oscar bait there! Do I hear best actor bells ringing? Ha ha. 

That takes up something like the first hour, hour and a half. THEN we cut back to me on the cliff with Rey and I say something like "I will teach you". And then we basically start the story as you have it in your version of the script (let's call it the "old" version). It's just shorter. (and I'm in it obvs) Maybe reduce Han's role a little bit, Harrison's not looking too hot these days (don't tell him I said that). 

OOOH also those yellow floating letters at the beginning should reflect all of this stuff I've said. Don't forget, George, the original movie was supposed to be called "The Adventures of Luke Skywalker" so  let's keep that in mind OK???

Think it over, LMK!!!

Best, 
Mark.

ps if you decide to use any of this we can talk about royalties, i'm flexible!






A Critical Companion of the Video for Starship's "We Built This City"

Today we will over-analyze the video for Starship's "We Built This City", their 1985 hit, in an effort to understand what the group and those responsible for creating the video may have been thinking:

We open with a pastoral scene; it is dusk, and we are looking out at the hills beyond a rural town. A church steeple in the foreground penetrates the azure sky. All is peaceful.

Suddenly, piercing through the quiet comes a blast of terrifying rock and roll that is sure to shake the very foundations of this tranquil hamlet; the opening lines of Starship's "We Built This City".

Then day turns to night and a giant Mickey Thomas, singer, fades into the foreground, hands in his pockets. He is quickly overshadowed by Grace Slick's enormous floating head. A flying saucer whizzes by in the background. What any of this means is unclear.

The bassist and guitarist, both of whom look like they'd clearly rather be doing other things, replace Thomas and Slick. A pair of drumsticks wave in front of them.

Now we dissolve back to Thomas. He is in good voice as he sings the first verse of the song, and he is joined now onscreen by a pair of random floating heads with 80's haircuts. They look like pictures that could have been ripped from the walls of a nearby salon. We wonder what it means.

Now another person appears in the background, wearing some sort of hat and pantomiming being on the phone. We cut to a young man, wearing sunglasses, frozen. We cut again to a young woman, wearing an expression that looks like she's being yelled at by her dad. Now we're back on Thomas, again surrounded by the floating haircut heads.

We close in again on Thomas, he turns his head to the right. He is replaced onscreen by the turning head of some other haircut model, then another turning head, then yet another and then we quickly cut to, for some reason, the Lincoln Memorial. Where are we going with this?

We cut to another turning head, and now back to the Lincoln memorial, with all the haircut models moving slowly toward it. Mickey Thomas sings the chorus of the song to Lincoln, who suddenly comes to life and begins singing along. What any of this means is unclear.

Mickey Thomas and the haircuts look on, apparently unimpressed by a 40 foot statue suddenly coming to life in front of them. Why the non-reaction? Are they in a state of disbelief? Or are they just a symbol of the ennui of the teenage years?

These questions go unanswered as we cut to Grace Slick in Las Vegas.

The setting, actually, does not appear to be actual Las Vegas but a faux-Las Vegas from future times.

"Someone's always playing corporation games/who cares, they're always changing corporation names" sings Slick, wisely choosing this video as the perfect forum to speak out against corporations.

Not to be outdone by Mickey Thomas, she is also being joined by her own steady gathering of floating heads.

Things slow down a bit for the meantime as we watch Slick sing, intercut with shots from various faux-Las Vegas locales. "Marconi plays the mamba" she sings. Is she talking about Marconi, a pioneer and key figure in inventing radio? But why would Marconi be playing the "mamba"? Does she mean the "mambo"? Mambo is a style of music, as is "samba". Mamba is a snake. Modern mambo had yet to be invented by the time Marconi died. So the only conclusion we can reach here is that a dead man has come back to life and has learned how to play the snake.

Once again anticipation begins to build. We cut to a casino sign that says "Uncle Sam's" with two giant dice hanging underneath. "Uncle Sam's", we think to ourselves. That can't be good. Out of nowhere, the dice begin to fall to the street below. We cut to the haircuts, heads quickly turning to see the falling giant dice.

And now it's chaos.

One of the dice pursues the haircuts down a strip of casinos; they scramble to get clear. Now the mob runs past the buildings to a clearing, and by a foursome that looks on, for some reason unimpressed by the madness. Perhaps they are trying to figure out what the hell "Marconi plays the mamba" means.

The symbolism here is obvious: "Uncle Sam" is obviously the U.S. government, which is trying to kill the youth of America by dropping giant dice on them.

Guitarist and Carvin instruments endorser Craig Chaquico dissolves in and rips a solo that last for six seconds. Now united, Slick and Thomas appear onscreen.

"Who counts the money underneath the bar? Who rides the wrecking ball into our guitars?" Who indeed. Not a very sensible person, that much we can say. It would make more sense to count the money on top of the bar, since there's assuredly more light there. And there's probably better ways to destroy a something as small as a guitar than renting a wrecking ball (I assume that's expensive). Why would you need to ride it? That sounds dangerous.

Now the entire band is playing on top of a skyscraper. The throngs of haircuts watch from below, expressionless. Can they actually see or hear a band playing on top of a skyscraper? It is unclear. Most of the answers we're seeking never materialize: the video ends.











Distilled Water FAQ

Disclaimer: After reading this, do not leave the house for at least three weeks.

Lately, a lot of questions have been coming up about distilled water and its uses, due to the discovery of pollutants in tap water that have been reported to cause diarrhea and cancer of the spleen. Here is a helpful FAQ to help answer your questions and concerns.

What is distilled water?

Distilled water is water that has been distilled using a distillation process to distill it.

Should I drink distilled water?

You should only drink distilled water. According to unconfirmed, possibly untrue reports, all other water is unsafe and may cause swine flu, and possibly immediate death. The EPA is working on it, but the house has voted against any action, and also, to end the EPA.

How is distilled water different than regular water?

Distilled water is just regular water with all of the cancer and diarrhea filtered out.

Should I bathe in distilled water?

People have been bathing in distilled water for centuries with no problems. George Washington used to bathe in it, and he got the idea from Ben Franklin. Thomas Jefferson bathed in it when he wrote the constitution, and Einstein discovered electricity just after a distilled water bath.
John Adams refused to try it because he thought it was silly.

Should I used distilled water to boil my spaghetti?

You shouldn’t eat pasta at all. It has a lot of carbohydrates which turn to sugar and you’re already fat. Lose some weight.

I heard that distilled water can cause kidney failure. Is this true?

There is no known link between kidney failure and drinking distilled water. The only known side effects of drinking distilled water are 8 hour boners, acting silly, and lung cancer.

Should I give my cat distilled water?

You should only give your cat milk. Contrary to popular belief, cats don’t like water, and don’t need it. I only give Senor Meow Meow cow’s milk. My friends claim this is the reason he weighs 57 pounds and is basically immobile, but I am scientist.

Hopefully you will find this FAQ. But if you have further questions please post them in the comments section and I’ll try to get to them when I can. However, commenting has been disabled. That is your conundrum to face. I am very busy blazing trails.

Bottle up!