Distilled Water FAQ

Disclaimer: After reading this, do not leave the house for at least three weeks.

Lately, a lot of questions have been coming up about distilled water and its uses, due to the discovery of pollutants in tap water that have been reported to cause diarrhea and cancer of the spleen. Here is a helpful FAQ to help answer your questions and concerns.

What is distilled water?

Distilled water is water that has been distilled using a distillation process to distill it.

Should I drink distilled water?

You should only drink distilled water. According to unconfirmed, possibly untrue reports, all other water is unsafe and may cause swine flu, and possibly immediate death. The EPA is working on it, but the house has voted against any action, and also, to end the EPA.

How is distilled water different than regular water?

Distilled water is just regular water with all of the cancer and diarrhea filtered out.

Should I bathe in distilled water?

People have been bathing in distilled water for centuries with no problems. George Washington used to bathe in it, and he got the idea from Ben Franklin. Thomas Jefferson bathed in it when he wrote the constitution, and Einstein discovered electricity just after a distilled water bath.
John Adams refused to try it because he thought it was silly.

Should I used distilled water to boil my spaghetti?

You shouldn’t eat pasta at all. It has a lot of carbohydrates which turn to sugar and you’re already fat. Lose some weight.

I heard that distilled water can cause kidney failure. Is this true?

There is no known link between kidney failure and drinking distilled water. The only known side effects of drinking distilled water are 8 hour boners, acting silly, and lung cancer.

Should I give my cat distilled water?

You should only give your cat milk. Contrary to popular belief, cats don’t like water, and don’t need it. I only give Senor Meow Meow cow’s milk. My friends claim this is the reason he weighs 57 pounds and is basically immobile, but I am scientist.

Hopefully you will find this FAQ. But if you have further questions please post them in the comments section and I’ll try to get to them when I can. However, commenting has been disabled. That is your conundrum to face. I am very busy blazing trails.

Bottle up!