Jake Zavracky Writes About This Week's HOT 100, Millions Rejoice.

In 2018 I will answer the burning question in every American's mind: What does Jake Zavracky think about this weeks top ten? I will answer this question bi-weekly. You're welcome America. Now these successful millionaires will feel the sting of my barbs and it will probably challenge them to do better, which is my aim.

1. Perfect: Ed Sheeran Duet With Beyonce

I don't like this. To me it's disqualifying-ly trite, which is probably why it's number one. Beyonce doesn't fit well with this tune, which is not a knock on her performance, it's just not a very good song and her muscular vocals sound out of place on it. In a general sense, Ed Sheeran impresses me because he plays arenas and stadiums by himself with a guitar, which takes some pretty large nads.

2. Rockstar: Post Malone Featuring 21 Savage

I find this excrutiangly dull. I can see overlooking how boring it is if it resonated lyrically but the lyrics are mostly nonsense. That said, I've seen an interview with Post Malone and he seems cool: I would like to be best friends with him and take him under my wing and teach him how to be less successful.

3. Havana: Camila Cabello Featuring Young Thug

Good hook. She has a nice voice. I think this track could do with less production tricks because the melody is strong enough on its own. It doesn't need the guy with the gruff voice going "ay" on the upbeats for example. Can we remove this element from pop music now please? It would sound good with just the piano loops, bass and drums. It would be nice if the drums were not the ubiquitous 808 (or a variation thereof) with the plastic sounding hand claps but I guess that's asking too much these days. That is the only acceptable thing to have happening on 2 and 4 in the current down-tempo pop/hip hop music template. It's been well over a decade since the resurgence of the 808, I think we can move on now.

4. Gucci Gang: Lil Pump

This single has easily the worst album cover artwork I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe there wasn't at least one person in the room that said "maybe we should go with something else". The track sounds like it was written and recorded in 45 minutes by a bunch of guys on xanax smoking bong hits, which it probably was.

5. No Limit: G-Eazy Featuring A$AP Rocky & Cardi B

A$AP Rocky always seems to stand out to me as one of the few guys that doesn't sound like he's bored and mumbling to himself in a corner these days. I don't know anything about G-Eazy. It's a decent track.

6. Thunder: Imagine Dragons

"Thunder, feel the thunder. Lightning and the thunder." I'm not feeling thunder and lightning in this track. What I'm feeling is boredom. It's not a "song", it's a bunch of ideas going nowhere cut and pasted together that go nowhere as an entire track.

7. MotorSport: Migos, Nicki Minaj & Cardi B

This is more bong-hit/xanax music.

8. Too Good At Goodbyes: Sam Smith

I find this uninteresting but I really love Sam Smith. There's never been a voice quite like his. He could sing the phone book and it would be interesting, unless this song was in the phone book.

9. Bad At Love: Halsey

Halsey's lyrics are confessional, they sound like they've been written in a diary. I can see how her voice and her whole sort of aura would capture the imagination of teenagers worldwide. She has that thing where she's your friend, she's talking directly to you, soothing you. I don't think she's quite there yet musically though, she could dig a little deeper.

10. Cardi B - Bodak Yellow

I like this. She seems to be bucking the mumbly MC trend that is so prevalent these days. I don't have much to say about the song, I don't think I would listen to this multiple times if it wasn't for it's unavoidable-ness.

OTHER NOTABLE SONGS IN THE BILLBOARD HOT 100: Him & I: G-Eazy and Halsey: it should be "him and me". You wouldn't say "In the end it's I". Yes I am correcting the grammar in a pop song. Miguel and Travis Scott "Sky Walker": I really like Miguel. This is not one of his more forward thinking tracks but it's one of the better boilerplate pop songs in the Hot 100 this week. Huncho Jack and Travis Scott: There are a whopping 7 tracks from this album in the Hot 100 this week. Shockingly, I think they're all terrible. It's hard to wrap my brain around how much trap music has taken over this list. I'm in full realization that I'm not the target audience for trap, but can we try doing something that even slightly veers from the trap template please? Outkast were forerunners of trap but they varied it up, not every fucking song was the same tempo, rhyme scheme, delivery, personality etc. I can't imagine anyone listening any of these artists 15 years from now like people do Outkast, or that any of these guys will be held up as legendary MC's the way Andre 3000 and Big Boi are.... but maybe tastes will have deteriorated to the point where they'll be pining for the heyday of Lil Yachty. Also I don't understand why DRAM is not the biggest thing ever.... Until next time!